S o u l m a t e | B e s t f r i e n d | L o v e r

2006-12-08T09:32:00.000-08:00

day 25: hitting the road
soundtrack of the day:

0032 got back home finally. went out with couple of blokes. didn't get her a lot. i found mys

2006-12-07T22:03:00.000-08:00

day 24: pump it up
soundtrack of the day: monkey wrench, foo fighters

2203 boring. jakarta is big B-O-R-I-N-G. like my mate at the office always say: "just another day in paradise!" paradise of nothing. missed her a lot today. not a lot of contact, but thought a lot. about what would happen when she come back here. what would it be like. luckily got some things to wrap up at work so i can take my mind off it. then afterhour, not knowing where should i go, i went to gym. just doing a bit of cardio and weight training. she knew i was on the gym, and she said i did a lot of training lately so i can show off in bali next january.. yeah rite..

2006-12-07T02:03:00.000-08:00

day 23: hip hip hooray ceps!
soundtrack of the day: easy love, louie austen

0203 officeday sucks. luckily at after hour got some going out. went to pisa mahakam (where i spent some time with her before she left for a month, and it was heaps of fun as we discussed everything from a to z about what happened between me and her) with ceps, jes and arf just to see some bands: pure saturday and naif to play. had some pill called xanax(?). my bro invited me. drove ceps home then jes and arf came. ripped some tunes from ceps' laptop to mi ipod. poured some wine. ceps burpsday was on the 7th, so we kinda celebrated with her mums and sis. got some cake, wine then popped some weeds. kewl.. the three of us can't stop laugh til it was 0130. bollocks.. tomorrow's work day..

2006-12-05T21:56:00.000-08:00

day 22: hey gymboy!
soundtrack of the day: karma chameleon, culture club

2156 addicted to the gym this week. after yesterday, today i had another. not much things done today. life's bo..o..o..oring. i need colours. i need lights. i need flashes. if only she could give me the colours i need and the lights i thirst. i've been thinking lately. just to unrationalised my mind. because i'm being a bit too rational. and i don't really like that. ok, it's good for the long term but sometimes being to old-fashioned is just bo..o..o..oring.

2006-12-04T22:18:00.000-08:00

day 21: living an ordinary live
soundtrack of the day: burning, the whitest boy alive

2218 just got back from gym. another nothing unusual day. missing her, office routines from 8 to 5.. got another shot from "local" boss. damn they just can't give good impression of giving tasks. it's like throwing out the responsibilities to someone else. i'm losing my respects to them. sent some messages to her, asking whether she's okay. she said: "ya gitu.." which i didn't know what she actually meant with that. and she asked me whether i want to go to bangkok to watch radiohead. if i got another job which gives me some more dollars i'd go.. to spend some more time with her. am i addicted? obsessed? hope not those two..

2006-12-04T01:21:00.000-08:00

day 20: matchmaking
soundtrack of the day: night on fire, VHS or beta

0021 didn't get to her much today. still, miss her much. woke up late and went with mi dad to west jakarta. then picked up mi childhood friend at a school fair and went to casa around 1800. invited ceps, tom and dan. intented to meet up ceps and dan. worked but don't know the next step. ceps came with her friends. tom like one of them. which is matched with me, ceps and ri to matchmake tom and her. haha. back to the fair on 2000, watched my friend's commercial-band. went to vin+ had wine, mi cousin's birthday. just got at home and realised that tomorrow's monday. i hate monday.

2006-12-03T04:52:00.000-08:00

day 19: best party of 2006
soundtrack of the day: dust, recloose and louie vega ft. anane

0452 just got the greatest party ever throughout 2006. and guess what, i was sober for nearly four hours. good crowds, good friends and good music. i've never like embassy until today, only because the great louie vega gave the best performance i've ever seen. my day was okay, waking up around 1200 hung over. missed her so much but had no questions or negative thought so i think i'm pretty much okay these days. i hope she's too. because she always sleeps late until now. and i reckon she's on alcohol most of the nights. sorry to have this thought on you bubz, but this is just my feeling. i just hope you're okay, enjoying your time, have enough rest so that you're always in good body and soul condition. went to dinner with tom and another friend. found out that the other friend also used us for her advantage. and that made me think twice if i go with her (or her similar friends) next time. miss my bubz a lot, just sent her g'night message although it's almost 1000 hrs down in melbourne now..

2006-12-02T04:17:00.000-08:00

day 18: heaps of fun (?)
soundtrack of the day: simple together, alanis morrisette

0417 just got back home from burgundy. got to know cynthia bella, cute celeb i adore. this guy aming introduced me to her. haha talking about looking up high the sky. my day was pretty simple.. daily routine at the office, missing my soulmate|bestfriend|... , sending messages to each other say hi and how are we doin. heard the tune simple together many times today. made me think, because i told her to hear the song. when she was getting married. although it wouldn' t be suitable with current condition, i still like simple together very much. but she really got into my mind together with the song. at the afternoon, i dropped my sister at celebs awards then i went out with couple of friends to ke'kuen watching this guy playing guitar singing some good tunes. then i went back picking up my sister and stucked at the awards' after party. although there were good ladies and wines, i feel lost somehow. i wonder why...

2006-11-30T22:43:00.000-08:00

day 17: what's best
soundtrack of the day: nothing better, postal service

2243 kept in touch with her a lot today. i really need her support and pray for my test. and guess what, i think i didn't do very well on it. well at least i tried, prayed and asked her to pray for me hard. so if i don't pass the test, maybe this is what best for me that God had given me at the moment. i miss her a lot today. sometimes i think what she's doing to me nowadays and what i'm experiencing rite now is also what best for me. went to cousin's crib at dinner, she cooked nasi kebuli + grilled lamb + salad which were verrry good. yummm...

2006-11-29T22:04:00.000-08:00

day 16: cousin'sday
soundtrack of the day: one evening, feist

2204 just an ordinary another day missing her. my mind keeps questioning why she does this to me. is it because she wants to call it off? or is it because she wants me to be able to control my feelings? i haven't known her reason yet. i'll learn though. like i learned for tomorrow test. and i asked her to pray hard for me. because i haven't done the kind of test i will deal with tomorrow. i'm not sure i'll pass. yea one more thing about her. although she has been acting so cold and trying to show me that we're just ordinary friend, she showed a surprising attention for a friend. this what makes me feel that she's still there and she just doesn't want to make me think all over her when she's away. it's okay though, but couple of times some of my friends tried to meet me up with some women but i just can't do it..maybe not at these times..went out with my beloved cousin, with her newly-known boyfriend (i just knew tonite that they're actually going out together). great nite, had beers and cocktails. met tom. and he finally talked to me after awhile. yea it's okay, but still not complete without her...

2006-11-28T21:43:00.000-08:00

day 15: bloody tuesday
soundtrack of the day: head over feet, alanis morrisette

2143 freaks! i work with a bunch of expat freaks who just can put the blame on locals. almost missed an escort-and-drop-off today. just because there was no appointment on who's responsible. thank God everything was okay. this is between me and my client, not with those expat freaks. one good thing came up, got a test invitation for a bank i applied last week. hope it went good. went to yalasena's house today. chatted with him, fooled him pretending to be his mom. got him. told him something about his unfinished-biz-ex and he lost it. haha. guess women have the power over men. like me, now i'm head over feet to her. let her know about everything happened today. asked about her, she said she was okay and not much happened. i felt like she didn't want me to know. but it's okay. will let her do what she wants. but will keep an eye on her.

2006-11-27T21:18:00.000-08:00

day 14: i hate m
soundtrack of the day: especially for you, kylie minogue

2118 very tired today. missed and thought a lot about her. wandering again what would be like when she's back. what conversation we would have. what thoughts and actions we would do. why everything has to be this way. this was because at work was just flat. nothing unusual. although i have to meet the OZ mates on their jakarta office at 1800. was going great, finished at 2030. now i need to send her good night greeting before go to bed..i wonder what she's doing right now...

2006-11-27T01:12:00.000-08:00

day 13: sunday late working
soundtrack of the day: tracey in my room, everything but the girl vs soul vision

0112 got up late again. laid back at home watching some movies. took my mom to dinner at miitem kemang food fest. then left the house at 1930 for another airport greeting. got to wait as the first plane was delayed for around 15 mins. miss her so much. texted her and we replied each other couple of times. got home at 0100, very tired and sleepy. i'll be sleeping after having her on my mind...

2006-11-26T16:52:00.000-08:00

day 12: work and go mad
soundtrack of the day: missing (todd terry remix), everything but the girl

0452 got up late. routine greetings to her. missed her a lot. went up to the airport to greet some guy from OZ at 1700. got back in kemang by 2130, n catched up with my junior-high best fella and went to casa. sat together with my ex and his boyfriend, who's also my friend (i introduced her to him). then mi melbourne sista' came, turned out her birthday is the next day. so she opened a bottle of wine and got me to drink deadful cocktail (for me) called flaming bikini. i thought i would sit down relaxing today but we went to embassy. got another drink. very drunk with good music equal to dance. barely saw the chicks. and i have another work to do tonite. bollocks... plus i miss her so much.. it's like having half of my heart being torned away..

2006-11-25T04:13:00.000-08:00

day 11: psychedelic tripsy
soundtrack of the day: coffee and tv, blur and funk on you, DJ T.

0413 i got mushrooms. my brother brought them from bali. around 1810 me, my bro and his friend drank the mushroom jam. didn't have a very nice trip, because the mushroom caused nausea for quite awhile. but then it was fun. around 2130 we left the house for some beers and cocktails. me and her sent messages to each other. she was in the club and she told me someone was grinding over her. what the f**k?! i told her to get close to her friends. i also told her to becareful. me and some of my bro's friends went to passion lounge, got some beers and cocktails, played couple of pool games then went to dizzy lounge. bam! i suddenly forgot what happened to me until the time i got home and wrote this.

2006-11-23T23:43:00.000-08:00

day 10: rock n roll
soundtrack of the day: sheltered life, dj kicks erlend oye

2343 just another day in jakarta, if it can't be said hell. think about her when i first woke up in the morning and just before i went to bed. luckily i had works to do today and i felt i was pretty much up to it. sending her messages is just my daily routine. i just need to greet her. didn't care much whether she's replying or not. tomorrow the weekend will start. although i have to work on saturday and sunday, i still hope i can go crazy tomorrow nite. i think i learned something today. that we weren't supposed to GIVE others any hopes on relationship. AND we weren't supposed to PUT hopes to others on relationship. therefore if something happened between the couple, the pain would be easier to be handled. and the "friend" relationship would always stay there..it's just good to have many friends. trust me..you don't wanna lose one of your friends...

2006-11-22T23:21:00.000-08:00

day 9: swingin' mood to balance
soundtrack of the day: filthy and gorgeus, scissor sisters

2321 my mood's startin to balance. i miss her. not a single day without it. music makes my life better. wonder what life would be without music. she's just the one. nothin would explain more of her. went to her house to get ipod connector. met her mum, chit chat and dinner. her pap came home, got a couple shots of baileys together. haha. funny. then went exercising at the gym with my mind on her. i'll go nowhere without her.

2006-11-22T22:18:00.000-08:00

day 8: c'mon dude, climb up..
soundtrack of the day: jealousy, martin solveig

2218 i'm in a very peace mood today. for the whole day. i know that i will keep her forever. i just give it all up to God if He wants us to be together then we'll be together. i miss her, i want her, but what can i do to make it happens other than waiting? because currently it seems i can't hurry her to make any decisions. it would be enough for me if she knows how much i love her. i don't want to give her any promise, i just want her to see and let it flow. i don't want me to put hopes on her as she doesn't put hopes on me. therefore we can go together with less demands to each other.

2006-11-21T22:42:00.000-08:00

day 7: li'l mistake..
soundtrack of the day: sleeping in, postal service

2242 not a single day without missing her. especially when i'm at the office because lately i have pretty much nothing to do. i passed her house this afternoon. made me miss her even more. enjoying the smell she left on her mobile. haha. glad i took it before she left. i went to gym afterhour. i thought it would take my mind off her. well it's not very right. i still thought about her when i was exercising. then at home i made a mistake..half-sleeping, i replied her message and said "i love you" whoops!

2006-11-20T22:21:00.000-08:00

day 6: i have seen
soundtrack of the day: dust, recloose

2221 videocalled her again in the morning. finally got the chance to see her. i just simply miss her. she was in the doctor. she's having bad cough and i think flu. sounded like she's exhausted. i predict she is. because since the 3rd day she left i texted her until today, she always replied although it was 12 night here. means around 0400 morning there. and i guess too much alcohol and cigs. hahaha..just the same as i am. we just can't resist beer, wine and marlboro. anyway, today i'm very happy. saw her face, texted each other. i love her very much. i miss her very much. can't wait til she got back here. although i wouldn't know what i will do to her. hug? maybe.. kiss? maybe.. depends on her.

i wanna be forever in your mind
so you think about me all the time
i'll leave dust in your eyes
i want you to want me like a flower needs the rain
i want you to want me if you comin' back again
i want you to want me help to ease the pain

2006-11-19T22:28:00.000-08:00

day 5: yellow mellow
soundtrack of the day: lalala means i love you, swing out sisters

2228 videocalled her. she was in U2 concert so can't barely see her. aaarghhhh..i just love her very much. that's all i can say. i was very happy. since i was just trying to make the videocall without hoping it would succeed anyway. she was ill. i told her to go to doctor tomorrow, have good rest and take some meds. i am hers..

2006-11-18T22:32:00.000-08:00

day 4: i am what i am
soundtrack of the day: filthy and gorgeous, scissor sisters

22.32 in puncak. missed her all day long. but the gathering with my big old family kinda distracted my mind from her. but when i was alone, she crossed into my mind making me missed her so much. gladly i have her phone, i can smell her and i can see her pics..she called me this afternoon. i'm very happy to hear her voice. although she sounded like she's having a flu with a bad cough. i want to be next to her to take care of her..

2006-11-17T23:49:00.000-08:00

day 3: low down and rise
soundtrack of the day: november rain, guns n roses

0023 next day texted her asking what she was doing and whether she has heard the tune, Mary. she didn't reply. kinda made me down, once crossed in my mind if she wants us not to be lover this is not the way to stop. i think about it over and over again. i texted again saying good night and take care. she replied. that's enough for me.. at least i heard something from her.. i hope all the things happened today made me realise not to be demanding and putting hopes to high..

"When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
If we could take the time
to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain"

0812 inspiring eh? this is what i always think. i know that she loves me, it seems like she restrain her love for me and refrain. but i won't walk away. i'll wait 'til she's ready. missing her so much this morning. i want to have a very nice conversation as we usually have. she makes me feel peace and calm. i miss the time when i'm with her.. just that maybe she needs some time alone for now..

1640 got a lot of things to do today, so i can take my mind off her. although it wasn't completely. the missing feeling came up often. but i know what i wanna do now. i'll wait for her. i'll be patient until she's ready. i'll be her friend til she's ready i can be her lover. i feel the pain. i enjoy the pain. i love her..

2349 finally i recovered. knowing what i must do about our relationship. i've been slapped by scissor sisters. i want to be her man. although i must pass every obstacle that could happen. i am willing to wait. i can be her friend until she's ready to take me to my perfect world. my mood has back. i think i can be myself, not autistic anymore. i'll suffer this beautiful pain by myself. i am sure about this.

2006-11-16T16:38:00.000-08:00

day 2: getting up
soundtrack of the day: mary, scissor sisters

"Cause I'd give everything I have
Forget all the things that bring me joy
If you could have one day
Pure and simple happiness
Until that moment comes
I'll be here where I've always been
I'm gonna be your friend
Until the day I die
Mary, you should'nt let 'em make you mad
You hold the best you can
And Mary, after all the pain is gone
I'm always gonna live to be your man"

p.s.: couldn't agree more with scissor sisters. this part is for her.

1146 was driving when heard this tune. most of the lyrics sounds very right. i dedicate this tune for her. fits my current mood and what i feel for her. although i'm getting up, i still miss her so much. and sometimes the question of why she's doing this still comes up in my mind. looked at the calendar this morning and found that it's still 4 weeks before she returns. i miss her. and killing hopes is not that easy. feist said: "what are we gonna do if we lose our fire" and that what my question is. my cousin and colleagues kept asking me what happened to me. i became more quiet and looked like i have something in my mind. i tried not to think about the whole soulmate-bestfriend-lover thing by having fun. but i can't. i went to karaoke but i can't sing the song. i can't be alone at the moment, need everybody to chat with me so i can forget about it for a while. but when i'm alone again, the feeling and thoughts come back. i'm tired of this. i'm tired of unexpressing myself. what should i do to kill hopes and get over?

1446 two people close to me said recently i'm like an autistic. i have my own world. i do. i have my own world with her. being with her gives spirit and color to my life. now i'm losing it. not because the fact of she's away, but more because i don't know what we're gonna be like when she returns. i'm insecure not being with her. i'm insecure she doesn't want to be with me. i don't know what my world would be like without her.

1516 i really want to call her. i really need to hear her voice. i really need to contact her. but i must bury all of my intentions.

1638 i miss her so much. i held my phone many times wanted to text or call her, but then i put it back. i miss her so much.. i love her.. i hope she doesn't have any doubt on me about this. coz what i feel is real.. heart feelings.. not just physical.. i'm turning into something that's not myself.. hope she's not.. i love her so much..

2006-11-15T23:59:00.000-08:00

day 1: denial and discovery
soundtrack of the day: inside and out, feist

0610 sharp message from her: "just arrived. this is my number. have fun and take care." darn she's just really good in taking control of her heart eh? and then she texted again sharply: "eh sorry to bother..can u look at xxx's number in my phonebook? sorry.." couldn't stop thinking about it. i just replied the message sharply too with pain. this is worst than the mask i've known before. this mask makes me have to lie about my feelings to myself and her. i'd refuse to do this if she didn't ask me to. it's just too painful. i really want to learn how she controls everything inside of her. i have to get up and bring everything back on track. i need to control my heart. let me know how to do it and i'll do it whatever it takes. because all these are for her and just her. i'll do anything for her happiness.

"Don't try to tell me that it's over
I can't hear a word I can't hear a line
And that's what I'm cryin' for
You can't change the way I feel inside
You are the reason for my laughter and my sorrow
Blow out the candle I will burn again tomorrow
No man (in my case woman) on earth could stand between my love and ours
And no matter how you hurt me, I will love you till I die"

1014 hurts so much. the feelings keep pressing my heart and mind makes me hard to breathe and think. i feel deep pain in my chest and head. everytime my phone rings for text msg i always hope it's from her. hoping her name is written in the from section. hoping Unknown is displayed whenever a call gets in. i really need to hear her voice...i have to block the feelings...i need her...i must block it...i want her...

1101 can't hold it. i text her. i never felt this pain before.

1359 just as i expected. she hasn't replied. was going to take flash nap but then i thought i can't be alone. i just need someone to talk about something else, to distract my mind and heart. went over to my cousin's house, prayed and took flash nap. i keep telling myself to be strong, that i can live without companion. but why does it feels so hard to let go? the pain in my chest and head haven't gone..instead it's getting more painful. i can't hardly breathe. i can't take off my mind of her. what's happening to me?

1617 i found out the reason why she's doing this. having asked her closest friend whom i trust, it becomes clear. at least i don't have to wait in confusion. at least i know where she wants this to be going to. i just have to stop hoping. i just have to let it flow. i just have to wait and see what plans God has created. it's done with the effort. if she told me why is she doing this, it would be much easier for me. i love you soulmate.. i love you bestfriend.. i love you lover..

1732 she finally replied after i messaged her: "Hey r u watchin U2? juz wanna say sorry for being cranky and looking for you. hope this is the last time. take good care of urself and have heaps of fun in melb. thanks 4 everything." really glad when she replied, like i was winning a lottery or something. slowly i calmed down and can think clearly of what's going on.

2359 we sent messages to each other. this kinda makes me verrry happy. however, i need to control myself not to do something stupid that would make her think. i am really sorry putting her into what we have. i need to fix this. i love her so much i don't wanna lose her but i must be able to get rid of my hopes and fears. at the very last minute i called her. unconciously. i don't know why i did that. i just know that i need to hear her voice. sorry lover, i called you as soulmate. sorry lover, i called you as bestfriend. sorry bestfriend and soulmate, i called you as lover. but i love you for each part you take in my life.

2006-11-14T23:57:00.000-08:00

today is the day
soundtrack: i don't know what i can save you from, kings of convinience

0030 had a long phone call with her. she's just adorable and simply irresistible. i asked her two stupid questions:
1. what am i to you; she asked me what i think so i said lover, bestfriend and soulmate. then she told me what's the point of asking her if i already knew the answer..
2. are you going to get over me; she talked around and around until i forgot what my question was then she came up with an answer: no. how can i don't love her...
i wanna keep her forever, still not knowing will it be friendship or intimate relationship. i only know that i love her very much and i always want to make her happy. being with her is just fun, fun and fun. i can be myself completely. like, she told me that i'm pecicilan and very flirty. LOL. i'm only expressing what i feel. i want her.

0745 she told me to wake her up in the morning, so i called. darn i really enjoy and like the way she talked to me. i can't get enough of her voice, laugh and herself. she's very devoted, i can say. hmmpphh..it's 6 hours before she leaves. she told me that she's not going to text me unless to reply my message. meaning further, she's not going to call me at all. i guess it's okay, we need this to know how big our feelings for each other. i'm just a bit paranoid of she's having too much alcohol, chemical stuff and cigs. i just don't want her to damage her priceless body and soul because i love every part of her.

1100 i left the office just to meet her. i can't stand the feelings. drove to her house, there she walked up the stairs. i went upstair to her room and found that two of her closest friends were with her. i was just wandering around, just to let her know that i'll be next to her in every circumstance that might happen. and also because it feels really great when she's around. she just bought a new mobile, i took the old one to memorise her. sounds cheesy, but i need something to calm me down. i don't know what happen to me, but i didn't have the bad feelings or paranoia when i hugged her goodbye. i'd do anything to make her happy, so i think i'm not gonna be cranky and annoy her. i'm just gonna wait for her in patience. i love you so much dear...

1545 she's already at the airport. a call from her woke me from my flash nap. i missed her already. at this point i still don't know how to deal with my feelings within the next 30 days. i just can't stand the feeling of being far away from her. i love her too much. i need to control my feelings. demanding on her is the last thing i want.

1647 she called me until she got in to the plane. i was nervous. nervous to face the fact that she's leaving for the whole month, and to face what will happen over the next month. i told her i wasn't sad about she's leaving on our last phone call, but at this time my heart was wrecked. even until i drove my car on the highway, my head was killing me. the pain put humongous pressure on my brain and heart. i know i have to deal with this. her last sms was: "Met buka puasa ya..Enjoy ur time yakh sayank. i love u very much and take good care of urself. dont worry bout me. muaakh" Then she left. and right at the very moment, i already missed her so much.

1953 she has already in changi airport, smoking cig. can't talk a lot. i felt something strange when i talked to her. i don't know what it was, but it made me crazy thinking about it. again, she called me until she got in to the plane. my heart was wrecked for the second time today. she'll be arriving at tullamarine airport on 0715 AEST tomorrow.

2317 the feelings from inside pushed very hard. i miss her so much. i don't know what to do. can't stand the feelings. i just can pray what's best for us. that if we were meant to be together, the way to unite will be as smooth as autobahn in germany. i love her. i want her badly. i need her. i'm crazy over her. last but not least, i want the best for her.

2006-11-13T23:55:00.000-08:00

day-1: tomorrow here we go...
soundtrack of the day: deja vu, something for kate

1300 left early from the office and picked her up at Toni and Guy. she got her haircut. a prep to go to melbourne and have fun. we drove to bicycle shop at slipi. the shopkeeper thought we were couple LOL. by the way, yalasena texted me this morning. looked like he misses cuddles, kisses and love. he told me love and soulmate is a deep shit. i said to him add bestfriend then you'll get into real deep shit.

1600 had afternoon pasta, beer, coffee and cigs at izzi. the conversation we also had was fun, although most of the times we cuddle each other but we can talk as bestfriends at fingers snap with no heart feelings. sometimes i wonder what makes us becoming soulmate, bestfriend and lover at the same time. bring up the old memories in melbourne by listening some old tunes from my ipod. it was just too beautiful to tell..

2130 catched her up at wwwok. she was with her friends and i met my old pals as well. the only thing we have to remember while going out with her and her friends is we always have to put our masks on. although most of the time we go out, we'd have couple of beers until it makes us more honest to each other but secretly to others. but tonight i can only look at her and adore...

2330 drove her home, cuddled and kissed each other throughout the trip. we had another good conversation. she'll always have place in my heart. i still had yesterday's question in my mind on which one is the best, being her lover or her bestfriend. but i'll leave that unanswered for the time being. i'm just afraid of what will happen when she's away, because of her up and downs. she told me that we're going to be fine. we had a long, soft but intense kissings (i could do this forever...) all the times i spend with her always worth zillions of happiness...

2006-11-12T02:09:00.000-08:00

day -2: getting close
soundtrack of the day: off the wall, michael jackson

1100 I told her to keep in contact with me while she's leaving. Because she did say that she won't contact me so that I can open my heart for someone new. I don't want to search for someone new. My search has come to an end since I've found her. She said okay. She will contact me.

1730 I went after her to Casa. She was sitting there with her two closest friends. I came, dragged the chair, sat, looked at her, and immediatly felt something wrong. I didn't know what was it but just that I shouldn't be there at that time. The bad feelings stayed.

1915 Her family, three of her closest friends, me and her went to dinner at Takigawa. Didn't talk too much to her because of the bad feelings. Had some coffee after dinner at Buzz while the situation stayed the same.

2345 Discussed over the phone what I felt for the whole night. I wanted to know. I just need to talk with her. We found it. Yesterday, she told me that we can't be lovers. She was afraid of what would happen if we turn into lovers. Yesterday, I convinced her that I'd take any chance to unite with her. But today, this is what I felt wrong about. I'm confused being faced with the options whether to have her forever as bestfriend or to gamble running after her as lover with the risk of losing her. Weird. This thing happened twice. She always has the thought before me, and after she calms down then I will have the thought. We haven't decided yet. We realised that we will have to come to a decision but not right now. We just wanted to let it flow and to enjoy what we have. Quoting from song lyrics, I love her more today than yesterday; but not as much as tomorrow.
p.s.: by the way, I told her that it's okay if she doesn't contact me while she's away...